Titan Boot Camp
by LinkSomeDrink
Summary: Boot Camp is in session for the Titans! After failing to make any progress in capturing Slade, the Justice League assigns a unique mentor to each Titan! Some pairings may occur.


**Chapter 1: Videogames and Flashbacks**

Hump City, a place of perversion and massive unprotected sex; where a man has the right to live out his life with the woman, man, or farm animal of his choice. It was truly a beautiful place. Until it got destroyed by Superman.

"GIVE ME AN STD, WILL YOU?! WELL, STD THIS FUCKERS!" The man of steel roared as he blasted the town with his newly gained power; an STD ray shot from his-

Wait, I'm supposed to talk about Jump City? Oh, ok, my bad.

Jump City, a town that is kind of lame compared to Hump City. But it has a big-ass Tower in the shape of a T which is the home of 2 super hot, jailbait crime-fighting teenage girls. Oh, and 3 dudes.

On this particular day, the Titans were all chillin' in their tower. BB and Cy were mesmerized by their big-ass TV as they played their new game, "Generic Racing Game 4."

"BOOYAH, THIS GAME IS AWESOME!" Cy cheered as he button-mashed on his controller, "I mean, just look at all the options!"

"Yeah! You have a choice between two cars! The red or the green one!" BB agreed whole-heartedly.

"There is no way we will ever get bored with this game!" Cyborg yelled enthusiastically as his red car passed BB's car by a few inches. Suddenly, a straight-thuggin' O.G. leaned out of the passenger's side window of BB's car.

"Ah, Hell no! I aint havin' none uh dat shit, foo. EAT SOME LEAD!" the animatronic, stereotypical hoodlum yelled, as he pulled out a shotgun and pumped several rounds into Cy's character's car, for massive points.

"YES, I FINALLY WON! OH MY GOD, I NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD ACTUALLY HAPPEN!" BB cheered.

"Uh, no you didn't, you're guy just got busted by the police. I believe that's a 5000 point deduction," Cy pointed out as virtual police hauled beast boy's character into a jail.

"NO! Now how is his baby's mama gonna get that child support?! WHICH BUTTON MAKES ME PLEAD THE FIFTH?!"

Robin watched from the couch while a small smile played on his face. It was playing hop-scotch to be specific. He didn't seem to care as BB tore apart the new Game360StationCube in a rage while in Beast form.

"Oh great job, BB! Now we have nothing to do!" Cyborg whined.

"There's always masturbation." BB suggested.

"You know I don't have genitals!"

"Sucks to be you."

Robin decided now was a good time to intervene, "Guys, calm down. We can always… Wait. Cyborg, how would BB know you don't have any...?" Robin's voice trailed off as he stared wide-eyed at the two teens in front of him.

"……..uh…… Science…… Fiction?" BB lamely mumbled, as he and Cyborg froze with horror.

"Well, that makes sense to me," Robin concluded. The doppelganger and mechanical man sighed in relief. "But as I was saying, we can always get the City to buy us another one."

Raven, who had just phased through the floor after writing some dark poetry and snuggling her oh-so-emo bunny doll, heard the statement.

"So you're telling me that the city pays for all of our useless stuff instead of helping out the hospitals, or charities, or homeless?" the goth girl inquired.

"Yup," Robin said.

"Doesn't that not seem right to you? What about the charities? What about the homeless?" Raven said.

Robin's eyes narrowed and a look of hatred came across his face, "Fuck the homeless."

"Woah, what's the anger, dude?" BB asked.

"Well…" Robin started.

_**ROBIN'SFLASHBACK**_

A much younger Robin is dressed in a tuxedo that costs more than tuition to Harvard.

His parents are accompanying him to the annual 'Super-Rich-People-Ball.'

"Oh boy, I love balls!" Robin cheered happily.

"So does your mother." Robin's father grumbled.

Suddenly, a hobo, suspiciously similar to Slade dressed in rags jumped out from an alleyway as the rich trio walked down the street. Don't ask me why some one as rich as Robin's father wouldn't simply drive to the event. Let's just assume he's too wealthy for cars.

"GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY SO I CAN FEED MY NICOTINE ADDICTION! A pack of Marlboro 27's is seven dollars! SEVEN WHOLE DOLLARS!" the crazed Hobo roared.

Without hesitation, the bum/Slade pulled on the trigger. Unfortunately for him, he had sold the bullets so he could buy a pack of gum.

"HA! Now if you'll excuse me…" the wealthy man was about to escort his son and wife away from the would-be crook when Robin's Dad's solid gold tuxedo attracted a lightning bolt, killing him instantly. Robin's mother then fell down dead for no reason.

"What… what happened?" Robin asked incredulously. A doctor appeared out of nowhere and evaluated the bodies.

"Well, little boy, your father has died from an advanced case of Richprickitus and it seems your mother has died from a broken heart," he said as he "examined" the bodies with a stick.

"A broken heart?! What did you get your degree in; poetry?!"

"Well, she also had severe crotch-rot."

"Oh, that makes more sense."

The doctor then left, after billing Robin for his evaluation, leaving the boy with the hobo. Slade/Hobo-Dude took all of the boy wonder's parent's money, beat up Robin, puked on the child, and insulted his fashion sense. He walked away feeling content.

Lil' Robin lay crying on the pavement.

Batman then walked up, "Hey, wanna fight crime?"

"(sniff).. M'kay."

_**ENDROBIN'SFLASHBACK**_

"…I have my reason's," Robin said, after coming out of a daze. He looked around and found that all the other Titan's had stopped listening to his story quite some time ago and were watching T.V. Starfire was the only one still at Robin's side.

"Oh shit, are you done?" Cyborg asked as he returned his attention to his leader.

Suddenly, the cartoon the Titan's were watching was quickly replaced by a live video feed of Batman.

The Titan's seemed to be only somewhat surprised, except for Robin, who immediately peed his pants. And crapped in them.

"OH MAH GAHD, BATMAN! Why are you calling us?!" Robin asked.

"GOD DAMN IT, ROBIN, I'LL ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE. DID YOU FIND SLADE?" Batman roared at the young teen.

"Uh, no… but I cam rrrreeeeeeeeeaaaaallllllyyy close."

"Dude, I still don't know why we can't find him. I mean the guy has a huge freakin' robot army. I mean besides the fact that he has to find somewhere to keep all those robots, he has to have a factory or something to build them in," BB ejaculated. All over the conversation.

"THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE, OH GOD, I'M GONNA 'ROID RAGE ON YOUR PASTY LILLY WHITE ASS SO BAD, GGGRRRRAAAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHH." Batman fumed as foam started to pour out of his mouth.

Superman then came into the camera's view and pumped a needle into Batman's neck. Batman collapsed out of view.

"Uh listen, the Justice League thinks you need to get a little bit of… guidance… so that you can become more of a threat to criminals," Superman calmly explained.

"You realize we've saved the Earth COUNTLESS times, right?" Raven argued.

Batman crawled back into view, twitching slightly, mumbling to himself about punk teens in spandex and how they didn't train hard enough.

"Yeah, well," Superman thought for a second, "Shut up."

"Good comeback." Raven sneered.

"Your training starts now!" Superman said. The transmission then ended, leaving all the Titan's to all stand around confused trying to figure out what the hell just happened. BB's nose then twitched.

"Dude, what's that smell?"

"Uhhh…" Robin was luckily saved an embarrassment as Batman hang-glided into the room, abducted Robin, and carried him off to a fun-filled training session, pack with steroids and screaming.

"Wasn't he knocked out all the way over in Gotham?" Cyborg asked. Before anyone could answer him, Arnold Schwarzenegger dressed as the Terminator hang-glided into the room, abducted Cyborg, and carried him off to train him in… robot… stuff…

Wonder Woman broke through the window and snatched up Starfire just as Criss Angel appeared in a plume of smoke and brought Raven into a magical realm.

Beast Boy was the only one left standing, shocked by how quickly his friends were taken off to training. He was also curious as to how and when the Terminator and Criss Angel became part of the Justice League. The lone Titan waited enthusiastically for his mentor, but after several minutes of waiting he got bored, and soon ADD set in.

"I'm gonna go raid Raven's panty drawer," BB said to no one in particular. As he turned to leave, he came face to face with someone he completely didn't expect.

"NO WAY! YOU'RE MY MENTOR?"

Cliffhanger! Next chapter will have a new crossover. I'll give you a hint, and this should be pretty easy for all you comic book dudes out there: The craziest, funniest mercenary ever.


End file.
